"Completely open"

The emotions I've been feeling of late are difficult to explain, but they've been tugging on the cords of my heart.  I found myself in tears at a few points and a few more times caught myself spinning in circles in an attempt to figure out what to do next.  There's this particular question I've been asking myself a lot lately:  What are you doing with your life? And of course there's the:  What have you done with your life so far? 

I don't yet know what I'm doing with my life.  I'm hoping that I'm moving forward rather than backwards.  But can you move forward when you keep looking back?  Is that possible?  Am I even making any sense?

But I haven't done anything with my life worth noting, thus far. 

I meet new people and smile, saying very little but it gets me by.  Then I begin to be myself with them.  Suddenly they're gone and just a memory.  I don't want that anymore.

I didn't mean to upset you.

 

I know that you'll tell me that you could never be mad at me, but tonight I learned otherwise.  I know only because my cell phone sat on the computer desk, void of any new text messages.  The broadway ring tone set up for such messages never sang.  Perhaps you're working.  Yet even if you are, I know better than to believe you'd be silent for well over an hour after receiving my last message unless I upset you or hurt your feelings.

 

I really didn't mean to.

 

My mind's been in a haze all day, unable to really focus on anything.  I tried, really I did. 

 

And I'm sorry that I hurt you.  There's really no excuse for my behavior.

 

And you know who you are...

 

And I don't expect you to forgive me, but I do hope that you do forgive me.

Another night spent tossing and turning.

 

I woke up yesterday morning around 5 a.m. mumbling my social security number because in the dream world I had just backed into someone's car.  It seemed so real. 

 

I've been dealing with real humidity for the first time in almost two years and it's been getting to me.  The windows have been open at all times for I always hope for a small breeze to come through and offer me a little relief.  It often works.  Other times I just go outside to let the soft wind envelope me.  There's nothing like fresh air.

 

There's a pregnancy bug running around biting people.  Several people I know are pregnant or in fear that they may be pregnant.  My adopted sister is due in August, my step-sister is due sometime this month.  A friend of mine on the internet might be pregnant although she's hoping she's not.  A friend of my boyfriend just found out his wife is pregnant.  The chat room I make my morning excursions to talked about pregnancy yesterday.  Commercials on the T.V. this morning pinpointed pregnant women.  And he turned to me last night and....

 

"When's the last time you had your depo shot?"

 

"Late February."

 

"So you won't need another one until...."

 

"The end of May.  That's why I've been trying to get my insurance squared away."

 

Is he afraid that I've been bitten by the bug?  It's okay for him to be afraid because it is a possibility.  Birth control doesn't always work.  The doctor did say that it was only 99% effective.  There's always that 1% chance that it was quite ineffective.  My body has never really reacted to things in a normal fashion. 

 

Am I afraid?  Yes, paramountly so.  It would mean extra caution after having lost two to miscarriages.  It would mean insulin shots.

 

It would mean the end of an era.